I almost said

I want more

it’s not enough

I get what I want

but then don’t want it anymore

that was a lie

its not always like that

just like that when I’m bored

but that’s not quite right either

It’s more like I’m a seeker

walking along the beach

combing for something complete

but when I come upon it

I crush it in my hand

calcified chips slip

and fall back to the sand

and I never think of it again

I should have let her know

my secret to losing easily

I am a master at convincing

they passed through my fingers

because I made it so

it means nothing when they go

control

A person’s eyes leave

imprints like bruises on fruit

sinking beneath skin

cusp

when they find someone for me

a voice inside me disagrees and says

try not to take it personally

I don’t know what I want anymore

I’m not ready for another loss

I am in love with me I’m whole

when in reality I know

it’s dangerous to be alone

for me, at least -I sink too quick

in to an ether, moving slow

embracing the dull senses so

my mind can lead me-

feeding on my life force

fueling a machine that pours

myself out mechanically

fine tuned for an environment

of emotion without feeling

a well-oiled hand stamping

out words, afraid their meaning

will stop if I start up again

in the world so when they say

are you ready for it?

I try not to be

always good

I can’t take the light anymore

without the weight of warmth


It's not too late to let this go

feels better when it isn’t forced

but feels the best when I don’t

things I do

At home alone with a single light

Thinking about a vanilla crush

Lost to the straight and narrow line

It’s not a surprise but a push

Down the same path I’ve walked

All my life, one that winds

And never rises without a fall


This jealousy comes from nothing 

It is completely not my own

But not unlike me, my heart prone 

To sink like a stone, thrown by 

My own fist as if to test the waters

Knowing that I’ve never been able

To skip one and make ripples

Not born from a great splash


I long for this heaviness

Forgoing how I got here, the slow

Fabrication of us now has a wrench 

Thrown in, and I couldn’t be more

Thrilled to feel something like loss

To feel what I felt those years ago

When I was never more alone 

And never more like myself